i have a gun to my head


but you're going to be the one to pull the trigger.

Kurt Vonnegut dead at 84.

so i got a call today from a sergent in the air force.

wants me to join up. sid he got my info from the website.

part of me wants to. just abandon everything and actually start over.

but the other part of me has something good going right now...

but i want people to be proud of me again. and think of me other then just an ex-stripper and a waitress.


i'm confused.


thoughts?

this week has been hecktic. got back from mexico. got a horrible HORRIBLE sunbrn on my leg and wrist... worked a shit load. got into a fight with tim. made up..twice....

party tonight at the house for krieger's bday. yay. john and phil are coming. woot.


working a 12 hour shift tomorrow. yay....not.



ugh i'm sleepy. and cranky. and tim is going to be gone all weekend in wapacca. the big shit head. oh well....

i love this song..even if it is depressing as hell..


so me and tim leave tonight for steven's point. then tomorrow its off to mexico.

my phone WILL NOT WORK while i'm gone. so do not call me or text.


wish me luck.

miss you.

tim showed up to my house last night with a dozen roses and a box of chocolates. hahaha so sweet. cliche as hell but fucking sweet!!

i adore my boy.

we watched snatch on my laptop then slept in all day. poor thing has to work until midnght though. but i guess i'll see him after that. yay.

*sigh* this is a good feeling

he asked me last night while we were falling asleep, to guess what he was thinking. i told him he was thinking about pancakes.

he said no. he was thinking that i was beautiful and he was really lucky to have me.





wow.

i worked for 11 hours yesterday with no break. i am tired as hell. and tim is on his way to get me so we can go to the airport to get my passport for mexico... oh yea he's taking me to mexico at the end of the month.


i want to go to the open mic tonight but i have to work again today and all week. i am so tired. and cranky.

it's not pretty.

is myspace not working for anyone else either??? i haven't been able to get on the damn thing all day.

ps: tim is gay.


pps: no he's not. :)

so i went to katie and remi's wedding tonight. it was fun but man did i cry. especially right before i left. katie and remi have been like family to me for a while now and...yeah...but christ they got it. they'll be together forever. lucky bastards.

and me... i had a date...who kinda ignored me all night. i see people like katie and remi and their parents so happy and in love and it made me cry. because i know i will never get married. no one can stand to be around me for more than a month. it just gets exhausting... like i felt like adam should have been with me at the wedding. i still miss him. and i will always love him.....but fuck....i want to hate him so bad.

i wish i could have written something better for people to read..but i don't care. i came home, depressed and sick and tired, to an empty house. and i feel like shit. more mentally now then anything else.


"and maybe, just maybe, an imperfected me will not be seen"

When your words come too easily for me to believe
and this paint goes on too thinly to peel away
I will find a silver lining, sometime
Blur my vision and I'll be fine - I'll be fine...

Burn the pages in the magazines
I hate the way they look at me
With every smile and every laugh
there's something I will always lack
And maybe, just maybe, an imperfected me will not be seen

when your words burn forever in my mind.
and those greens and those blues seem too perfect to be true,
i will light a fire every time i think to myself, i will be fine, i will be fine.

burn the pages of the magazines, i hate the way they look at me.
with every smile and every laugh, there is something i will always lack, and maybe, just maybe, this beauty will be clearer to me.

----JS

i just wrote an amazing blog, and because myspace hates me it deleted it. but i am going to try to do it again...fuckina....

okay. i just spent the last hour crying my eyes out. why? i don't know. i am not sad or anything. i am just so...good. really. i am. good. i am so happy and content with everything right now. i am only anxious about seeing adam.

i become increasingly more aware of the people around me. and how much of an influence they are on me and my actions and vise versa. i wanted to show some appreciation so that's what i'm going to do. because i wish sometimes that i could be a better person. a better friend. i try. i really do. i want to die a natural death and havea funeral with a thousand people in attendance. but i doubt that's going to happen. i am probablly going to grow old with adam and the 2 of us will be alcoholics who yell at small children...i don't know if i'd mind that.

however there are a few people who realyl truely mean a lot to me and i hope they know it. adam and bryn who are like family to me. dom who is the coolest kid on the block. claire for being like a big sister, you're fucking beautiful claire. melanie for being my inspiration to be strong and have courage, she's one tough cookie and i have so much respect for her it's rediculous. for adam for being the love of my life and my soul mate. a reason for me to feel again. but most importantly to cris who is my brother in arms. my blood. who understands me like no one else can. i love you kid.

this is not goodbye or farewell or a biento. it's just a thank you. because i don't think i do it enough. and i want you all to know i appreciate everything everyone has done for me and i really fucking do. so thank you.

good mourning.

prank calls? oh no. i'm so crushed. um yeah no. it was s ofucking lame. and i know who it is too. apparently i'm a crack whore? or something? hahahahaha!! adam told me that if they called again to tell them it's a nice last ditch effort but no one caught the ball. dumb bitches. yes i am so sad that 16 year old cunts from hales corners hate me. or wak-e-shaw. me and dom and nick were laughing our asses off at the voicemail last night. twas great. seriously though. grow up! it's fucking lame!



anywho on a better note. tonight me and nick are going to see the ditty bops!! i am so excited! woot.

cleaning time. good mourning.

i quit my job today. enough. i'm done. my tail is between my legs and mama, i'm coming home. i'll do anything..just forgive me for what i have done.



it's all my fault you know. it is.....fuck i need to talk to chris...i miss that kid so much. i would take a bullet for him. right in the head too. actually no, in the leg or stomach where it hurts more. because nothing can possibly compare to what i feel right now.....



alone.

I am writing in the back of node, and i feel that this will possibly be one of the last times i will be here. I am moving to sheboygan in the next month or so. hopefully less. i am getting my bartending license and going to become a shop rat at Top Gear Tattoos. i am getting my chest piece done in the next couple days.......

things are looking promising but it will be hard to say goodbye to those who i have gotten close to. granted many people are nothing but acquaintances...however they all have a place in my heart. and i will miss you all dearly.

Carlos, Adam, Maura, Alex, Dom, Fox, all of the scotts, Jeffy poo, Kaylan, Joe, Christy, Chad, Ryan, Andrew, Bryan, and anyone else i may have forgotten, you all rock. and i will miss you all horribly. please keep in touch. i will try to be back in milwaukee as much as possible.

To those i have lost contact with, Todd, Breanne, Sara, Sarah, Missie, Denyse, Michael,....everyone.. i am sorry for not keeping in touch as well as i could have. i wish you all the best in everything you do. my phone is always on.

to my girls, heather and jezebell, baily, essencse, i love you all. you are amazing. but i am not gone yet and i will see you at work. woot. i hope you all make tons of money and go on to bigger and better things, (with clothes on..hahah)


good mourning.

so yeah i need a place to stay for a couple weeks......i have 2 mattresses and a tv......i have kind of a lot of shit but not really...most of it can fit into garbage bags.


anyone want to let me in?? call me. 414-899-7150

well here it is..my plea for help. i am down on my knees begging now. i don't have anybody. i don't have any money. i just got pulled over for my muffler, got a 77 dollar ticket, mike broke up with me tonight, jason's all mad at me for being in a bad mood, i'm hungry, and thirsty. i am tired of this shit so bad it's not even funny. i can't do this anymore. seriously. i don't have the strength anymore to deal with it all.....all i need is just a little help. a place to live for a bit, until like febuary, someone to fucking talk to without having them judge me.... i can't stop crying. i can't stop bleeding...


i'm sorry.

There should be no gifts exchanged. Christmas day is one day we should spend on our knees, a moment when all of us ought to revel to others the innermost substance of the heart. yes, then there would be such a fund of love that the worship of everything else would crumble. how long--how long until this happens? i sit here listening but i only hear a vast promise of destruction. conquest, slaughter, famine and death! galloping toward us i behold the four horsemen of the apocalypse. therefore, who should be amazed that i've done what i have done? who could possibly be amazed?

sick with my own importance i go on and on lke a musician who is never satisfied but continues stringing and unstringing his instrument. could it be that because we are born in misery we spend our lives in such a futile search?

yes the hour's near at hand, the hold is loose, signs multiply, all things turn to barrenness. wrongdoings shall be written of those who have done it. the age that now is passing shall be sealed, great books gradually open against the firmament. infants one year old shall speak, sown ground will not yield, friends destroy each other, roses wither.

down the street the wind blows, and paper bells are torn apart. grateful for this night during which there was no interuption. grateful for the utter silence that encloses me, i've painted a story on the walls and ceiling of my room. nobody else has seen it but the significance is clear: we have underestimated the nature of man. yes, circles and crosses, conduits of beneficence join. thus the mind arrives at the desired conclusion.

morning, noon, finally this evening. i believe that only among shadows have i grown visible in my glory. by daylight i think i would save myself from the ignorance, from the violence, from the limitless hypocrisy upon which we are founded. morning, noon, and finally the border of eternity past which there's neither hope, despair, nor happiness, beyond which nothing exists and nothing dissolves. when the ashes of my body have been scattered there will be people who say i've one, but i will be among them, listening as they talk. let them protest, i will be here. now weigh me a weight of fire, measure me a measure of wind, call back a single day that has passed. leaf of a green plant, touch of a child's hand. so enters the darkness, so helpless are we.

"Tiny Vessels"

This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

I spent two weeks in Silverlake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.

Wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that i was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite i gave you left a mark

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did and so did i that day

All i see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
That i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me [x2]
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want to know what jack told me? man i love that boy..my big brother and my shrink..
jack said i am more like a sex symbol then a person. he said that i take guys because it's interesting. and they are drawn to me for reasons no one knows. and it keeps happening because i am never fully satisfied. and i want to get back at those who have hurt me..
there's more...he also said i keep doing this, having guys left and right, to see if i can do it. and to see what reaction they have. he said you have to sleep with a lot of people to find the one you want to be with. and trashy as it is, it has to be done....

but he also said he thinks that i am one that's destined to be alone.....no matter how many people i sleep with or how many "boyfriends" i have, i am always going to be alone..and that scares the shit out of me, my biggest fear, and i mean biggest, is dying alone. being that old lady locked in her shitty apartment with 30 cats, who dies all alone, and no one finds her body for days...and i don't think i can handle that. things couldn't possibly be worse right now... my mind is full of things right now..things like what makes me act so childish and selfish? why do i throw away good things? why am i such a failure and disappointment to everyone and everything......
sometimes i think it would be easier to just fade away......

"Transatlanticism"

The atlantic was born today and i'll tell you how...
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.

I need you so much closer [x8]

[instrumental break]

I need you so much closer [x4]
So come on, come on [x4]

okay so here it goes...my dad, who has an artifical valve in his heart, is having 2 major heart surgerys in the next couple weeks. apparently, and from what i got out of it, is that the top part of his heart is working faster than the bottom and it can't keep up. he is in danger of having a very bad heart attack and my parents are preparing for the worst....it's just now sinking in.....could things possibly be any worse?! i mean really. why does god continue to shit on my face!?
...
.
....
...
..
.

i can't prepare for death anymore than i already have..